i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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