I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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