why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
