I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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