Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
