so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I just found a bag of teeth...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
