stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize