Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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