My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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