put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
