you should give me head with plastic fangs in
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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