I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
