the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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