I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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