you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
