All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
