I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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