Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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