I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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