how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
