conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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