god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My friends, they love my intelligence
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
