Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
