oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize