Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
