Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
