dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
