When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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