Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
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