I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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