Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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