community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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