I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
