"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
