I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize