I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
