I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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