we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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