Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
