Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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