Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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