you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
