I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
