Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Your penis caused this!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
