Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
