I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I am available for nakedness
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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