I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
