in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
