Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
