five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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