EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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