listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
