I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
