You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
