im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
