my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
