shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Yo dont text me then not text me
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
